A Conversation to Have Before A Parent Dies
It sucks losing a parent. It doesn’t matter their age, whether or not they have been ill, if they are older than the hills—expected or not—when a parent dies it’s tough. And sadly, I am at that age when a lot of my friends’ parents will be passing away including my own.
A few months ago I lost my father. He had been ill, but he had also been seeing doctors and had a recent hospital stay. I didn’t think the hospital would release him if he was close to dying. Still, I wasn’t prepared and neither was he.
There was no will, no discussion on how or what to do for a funeral service. That was extremely tough on me and my siblings since my parents have long been divorced. There are so many emotions that are already tough when dealing with a death. I can’t help but think that if there had been a conversation, maybe some of those decisions would have been a lot easier.
Death is certain in this life and no one wants to talk about dying, but I encourage each of you to have a conversation, especially if your parents are considered elderly. Here are a few things that should be discussed.
Expenses
Find out if your parents have any policies or how they plan on covering the cost of a funeral. Funerals aren’t cheap.
Find out how and where to obtain the funds for a funeral. If there are no fund yet, it is a good idea to start saving as we all know, death comes sooner or later.
Cremation vs. Burial
This was something that was difficult to decide. There is quite a bit of cost difference. Cremation is significantly less by about $3,000-5,000 in our scenario.
Since my dad had no life insurance and no money to use for funeral expenses, the cost fell to me and my siblings.
We had a family friend tell us not to let the cost determine how we find closure. But for a frugal brother who doesn’t believe in being frivolous in anyway, cremation was the only option.
I, on the other hand, struggled with that decision. My father was upset at first had been upset with his siblings for their decision to cremate his parents. Later, my father accepted their decision, but it made me wonder what he would have wanted.
The funeral director told us “funerals aren’t for the dead, they are for the living.” I found that helped in making some of our decisions, but I do think I would have felt more at peace knowing my father was okay with the decision to cremate his body. We did end up cremating him because I didn’t feel it was worth the fight and was outnumbered by those who wanted it.
With a burial, you have to buy a plot at the cemetery, pay for them to put in a concrete vault, buy a casket, buy a headstone, and then there are fees for opening and closing the plot. Fees might be different depending on if you do it on a weekday or a weekend.
With a cremation, the expenses are much less. You pay for the cremation, an urn, and if you want, you can buy a spot for the remains to be housed in a cemetery or bury the remains in a plot.
Where we live, many cemeteries have, or are building, cremation niches. These are walls that have several spots for people to place the remains of their loved ones. The cost will vary depending on your location.
Of course, many people display the urns in their homes or sprinkle the ashes somewhere special (just be sure you check the laws before spreading ashes—Disneyland forbids any ashes). For me, I needed a spot to go pay my respects, so we bought a niche.
Funeral Service
This fell on me because I needed a program to help me grieve. I am very religious, but many of my siblings are not. My dad was semi-religious. He attended church sometimes, but I know he read a lot of scriptures. So I took that lead on planning and implementing the funeral service.
We held the funeral in a church. One of my brothers was not too happy about that. Again, if we had a conversation about what my dad would have liked, it could have avoided some tension amongst us siblings.
None of my siblings wanted to speak at the service, and honestly, neither did I. We asked two of his golfing buddies to speak. They both agreed and felt honored to do so, but one said he felt like my dad would have wanted one of his children to speak. I knew he was right, so I ended up saying a few things.
We needed to come up with a musical number. I have many siblings that are musically talented, but none of which would perform in a church. However, if we had discussed some songs or things with my dad beforehand, I think my siblings would have been willing to participate. It’s hard to tell your parents no, isn’t it?
I know there are many ways to honor a loved one once they have passed which is why it’s so important to find out what they would like. If you need to do more to help you grieve, that’s fine but you will have the peace of mind knowing what they would have wanted too.
Open or Closed Casket
Another thing my siblings and I did not agree on was the viewing. There is a lot of cost to prepare and embalm a body. Again, my brother didn’t feel like that was a necessary thing to do, but for many, we needed to see him one last time and say goodbye. It wasn’t just us, his brother specifically asked for an open casket if possible.
If you do an open casket, it would be nice to know what they would want to be dressed in. Some religions dress their dead in specific clothing. If so, find out if that is something they want.
My dad was quite fashionable. It was tougher than I thought to choose an outfit for him. We choose one of his suits, but the shirt and tie proved to be a tough choice, especially when you are sad. My dad often wore bright colors, and patterns that the average person would not choose to pair together. Our original choice was not bright at all. I hope he was happy with the baby blue shirt and gold tie we ended up selecting.
What Kind of Flowers
Flowers, really they are the last thing you want to think about when planning a funeral, but it’s something you need to order for the service. Ask your parent what kinds of flowers they like, what colors they like just do give you an idea.
My sister and I tried to pick out some flowers for the casket. Succulents seemed like a good idea or something tropical since he loved warmer climates. My sister called a florist who actually knew my father. She told her he liked blues and thought maybe some succulents would be nice. But then we told her to just do whatever she thought and they turned out perfect. I guess that is a perk of living in a small town, but it would have been nice to tell her that he liked lilies just to give her some direction.
Pictures
It’s always a good idea to have recent pictures of your parents. Many people have strong opinions of which pictures they like of themselves. It would be nice to have a picture you know your parents like as the obituary picture.
We also put together a slide show of pictures to show during the viewing. It was fun going through pictures and remembering times with my father. I wished I had taken more pictures of him these last few years with my children.
Obituary
I thought I did a pretty good job writing my dad’s obituary but then a longtime family friend of my parents’ asked why I didn’t mention my mother. I then had to call my mom to see if she was offended. They had been divorced for more than 20 years and did not have a good relationship. I figured she didn’t want to be mentioned.
Obituaries are meant to report a person’s death and include information about the funeral. Often an obituary will include an account of a person’s life.
When writing about my father, I tried to think of the things people would remember most about him and the things he was most proud of accomplishing. I didn’t feel the need to mention a divorce or anything like that. People who knew him, knew that about him but, it would have been nice to ask him what he would want his obituary to say. Take the time to ask your parents how they want to be remembered.
Since my father’s passing, I have talked to my mother about her wishes and encourage all to do the same. I am not ready for her to leave, but I do feel a lot better about how she wants to be remembered. We know where the funds are to pay for the services. She has a fear of being buried so what wants to be cremated. She wants us all to get along and just remember the good times, not fight about anything.
No one wants to talk about these things, but when things do come to an end, there will be much more comfort in knowing you are honoring them in a way they would have wanted.